Hello. My name is Valery Belyanin. I am a psychotherapist with a degree in psycholinguistics and psychology. I work with individuals and with couples and I would like to make a few comments about what makes a healthy relationship.
My experience shows that there is healthy and unhealthy communication in relationships. When relations are healthy there is respect for the Other Person, and there are boundaries and an appreciation of separateness: there is personal space, personal time, and personal development for every partner.
Unfortunately, I rarely see couples at the stage of romantic love. Usually they come to me when they struggle for power as if they are competing for scarce resources. What is lacking is acceptance of the other person and also acceptance of self. They have difficulty respecting their partner because they may not respect themselves. A lot of resentment and misunderstandings over the years has created an atmosphere of anger and mistrust. The struggle for power in the relationship has turned healthy assertiveness into rudeness and aggressiveness. Partners are hurting each other instead of helping one another to survive and to get pleasure from life. I see that some couples are stuck in tunnel vision, thinking that the enemy is their partner and not the unhealthy relations they have.
The aim of counseling is to help couples get back to a functional and emotionally healthy relationship at the same time restoring the well-being of the partners. Stability, satisfaction and frequency of conflicts are examined. Dysfunctional couples often have resources within themselves to establish mutually supportive, trusting, secure, and intimate communal relationships but aren't using them. Sometimes the problem that interferes is about self-disclosure; sometimes it is about dependency of one partner, or may be it is about interpersonal communication skills. The different personal histories of the partners underlie these dysfunctions and these dysfunctions have a way of interacting in toxic ways.
I remind the partners of their individual needs and the necessity to satisfy the needs of the other person too. I help them to reconsider their individual responsibilities, to find balance in their shared responsibilities, and to recognize when they are controlling rather than supporting each other. I try to reintroduce partners to positive thinking and to replace negativity and mutual humiliation with realism and humor. And – what is really important ‒ I help the couples to emotionally accept each other again and to restore trust and security. Even couples THAT come to me on the brink of divorce have a possibility of repairing their relationship; It may be the one option they have not tried! All of these soft skills they learn in therapy – improved communication; managing responsibilities; allowing, supporting versus controlling – will serve them in the future, whatever the outcome of the therapy.
I reintroduce couples to the forgotten language of respect and coexistence. And I help my clients to reintroduce rules of living together into their relationship and ask them to practice, practice and practice. A happy relationship is a key factor in longevity. I want you to live a long and happy life.
Yuo are free to schedule an appointment with me